He's Just Not That Into You or Why I May Break My Valentine's Tradition or Unrequited

I haven't written anything for a while. I should blog more often I know, but sometimes its difficult to express what I haven't admitted to myself in a long time. This is possibly the most personal thing I've ever written but I had to get it out and This is as close to a diary as I am going to get.

This St Valentine's day I may put myself through the emotional torture of watching the chick flick He's Just Not That Into You. Talk about self harming.

Chick flicks released in February serve one purpose and that purpose only - to make you feel bad about yourself. To be fair it is completely our own faults for wanting to see such movies (I refuse to call them films - thats for cinema of more substance). If you're single, these movies helpfully point out that you are alone in the universe and do not have somebody to share this ridiculously over-commercialised day with. If you are in a couple then there is way too much pressure on you to do something romantic. Even when previously in a relationship, I've pretty much ignored St Valentine's day because it is practically pointless. I don't need Clinton's Cards to tell me how much in love with somebody I am. In fact the over pinked, over hearted, over luvved up shops make me automatically want to be alone and watch a violent slasher movie.

Unfortunately this is not the case this year. This year it has gone wrong. And the silly part is that I haven't even been home for two weeks yet. Thats a quick turn around in having your heart broken. That sounds melodramatic. Completely. And if someone else had said it to me I would have told them to just get over it.

But it's true.

And I am scared.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let it affect me and ran away to deal with it all. I thought I had but it seems that I've become my worst nightmare - a Girl. I wish that wasn't true. I really do.

I thought, wished, hoped that it was just a phase that I was going through and that everything would be alright once it passed. If only that had happened.

Last year, I was unfortunate enough to have DIYDx2 Syndrome*. Stuck in a position where any choice made hurt more than the absence of the choice to be made itself. In the end, the choice was kind of made for me. That hurt almost as much as making the choice myself. But having the choice made for me brought on new feelings that I had never really experienced to that extent before - Extreme Jealousy and Betrayal. I did bring it on myself and it wasn't the fault of the other parties involved. It was just me. Last year I did some pretty stupid things, to try to get myself out of the funk that I was in and that just wasn't right. If the right person ever reads this, I apologise. What I did wasn't cool, adult or right in any way and I shouldn't have put you or me in that position. We've become very British about the whole affair but I want to formally apologise. It just wasn't cricket.

2008 was a horrible year. I wasn't the nicest of people to myself, to whom really should I be the nicest person to. I spent a good part of the year away from the situation, forcing myself to make the choice I should have and had a bloody miserable time. I later discovered that trying to remove myself from the situation altogether made me feel worse than actually being in it.

I used the time away, not necessarily to forget but to forgive myself over what I had put myself through and allowed myself to be through. I thought I had got through it. Evidently from recent events I haven't. Don't get me wrong I've come to terms with the way it seems things now have to be and that I'm okay with that. Really. But I'd rather put myself back in that situe knowing what I know now than not at all. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. This is becoming cathartic. I wish I could say this out loud but the non-girl in me restrains me. Although I did play second fiddle for what seems like a very long time I did find myself having what Answers.com describes as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." - but I don't think that I will ever be able to express that openly. I wish I was gutsy enough.

I want to go back to the ways things were 2 years ago. Before it was complicated. Before I was affected by very girly concepts and before I let myself in for a world of pain. Again this sounds real melodramatic. I think it may be possible to do that. But only if I admit to myself why it hurt so bad.

I think that may be why recent events didn't go so well. We both want the relationship that prospered when we first met but without the difficulties of the past year. I reckon we can do it if I can admit to myself how I feel and then finally let it go. This may not be what you particularly want to hear but I hope this goes someway to explain properly whats been going on in my head.

This started of as a blog but seems to have ended up as a letter. Sorry

*Damned if you do, Damned if you Don't.